Through My Eyes: Feedback, Performance and the Pressure to Get It Right

For me, performance is deeply personal. It’s not just about delivering results – it’s about delivering them to a standard I can live with. And that standard is almost always perfection.

From the outside, I probably look like I’ve got it all handled. A good job, a promotion this year, completed my ILA management course, a successful event and a rebrand under my belt. But what people don’t often see is the pressure behind it – the intensity that comes from setting the bar so high for myself. The constant drive to do more, do better, and keep pushing, even when I’m already mentally at capacity. It’s not just about achievement. It’s about needing everything to feel right – because if it’s not, I can’t let it go.

The Weight of Expectations – Especially My Own

I’ve always carried an invisible weight when it comes to performance. It’s not external pressure, really. I am my own worst critic. If something isn’t exactly how I imagined it, I struggle to move past it. I replay it in my head, tweak it mentally, wonder how I could’ve made it better. Even when others are happy with the outcome, I often fixate on the 1% that wasn’t quite right.

Even when others are happy with the outcome, I often fixate on the 1% that wasn’t quite right

It’s why I hold onto tasks longer than I should. I know someone else might deliver something to 85% – but if I can get it to 99%, why wouldn’t I? That internal dialogue never stops. Letting go isn’t a strength of mine. I try. But I’m wired to want the best outcome and that perfectionist streak is hard to override.

How I Process Feedback

Feedback is complex. When it’s constructive and backed by data, I welcome it. I need to understand the “why” behind it to learn from it. But even when feedback is positive, I don’t always know how to take it. I’ll brush past it quickly, almost uncomfortably – then turn my focus to the parts that need improvement. It’s as if praise doesn’t register as much unless it’s paired with something I can fix.

Feedback is complex. When it’s constructive and backed by data, I welcome it. I need to understand the “why” behind it to learn from it

What hits hardest, though, is feedback that comes without context – opinion-based or emotionally charged. That’s when I begin to question everything. I might not show it outwardly, but internally I’m spiralling, trying to decode its meaning, wondering what I missed, and what I should’ve done differently.

Motivation and the Recognition Gap

I thrive on recognition – but not in a showy way. It’s more about knowing that my hard work has been seen and appreciated. When it’s not, I sometimes compensate by “blowing my own trumpet.” Not because I’m arrogant, but because I feel like I have to remind people of what I’ve achieved. It’s not about praise for the sake of it – it’s about feeling like my effort meant something.

This is particularly true when the workload is high and the sacrifices go unnoticed. I don’t seek constant validation, but when there’s silence, it’s hard not to interpret it as: “Was it not good enough?”

What Autism Helps Me Understand

Understanding my autism has helped me realise why I’m wired this way – but it hasn’t made it any easier to override. I still want to deliver to the best standard. I still overanalyse. I still burn out. But at least now, I know that there’s a reason I get this way when something doesn’t meet my expectations. It’s not drama. It’s not being difficult. It’s the way my brain works.

Understanding my autism has helped me realise why I’m wired this way – but it hasn’t made it any easier to override

Knowing that has helped me be more compassionate towards myself, even if I still find it hard to switch off. I’m trying to compartmentalise tasks more, use strategies like Lakein’s ABC prioritisation and give myself permission to pause instead of powering through to exhaustion.

Through My Eyes

Performance isn’t just about results – it’s about internal standards, structure, and feeling in control. Feedback isn’t just information – it’s either fuel or a trigger. And perfectionism isn’t just about detail – it’s about identity.

Through my eyes, every comment, every task and every outcome carries more weight than people realise. But with awareness, I’m learning to carry it better.